Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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