The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
