last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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