Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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