i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't turn off my feet"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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