i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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