fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
