I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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