In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
