when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need a beard to bite.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
