even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
