i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
