Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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