Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
