How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
