PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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