I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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