Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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