you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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