oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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