It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
