I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
