please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
