Soap is not a condiment
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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