her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize