Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
