Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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