Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
