3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
