He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
