He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
