Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
