6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
