I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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