I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
