Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
