i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
