Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
