my phone needs a breathalizer
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
