census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
where are my eyebrows?
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