you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
