dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I want a musical about memes.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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