i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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