I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
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