even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
