Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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