The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
