It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
