he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
