my phone needs a breathalizer
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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