You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
