As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
