I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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