When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone stole a lamp last night.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
