Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
