So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
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Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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