girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
