recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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